JUST WHO WILL TRUMP CAPTURE SHOULD HE INVADE SA?

(The following opinion piece is merely a satire and its author doesn’t wish what has been written herein to happen at all)

After boisterous USA President Donald Trump captured Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro in a dramatic predawn raid just after New Year’s Day celebrations, the question that comes to mind is just who will Trump capture should he out of boredom decide to attack South Africa?

Of course he will capture Cyril Ramaphosa as he is the president of the country.

And I can already hear someone saying “Cyril must be careful, or else Trump will capture him and take him to the USA on trumped up charges of genocide against white Afrikaaners.”

And given our reportedly weak, lackadaisical army, capturing Ramaphosa won’t be difficult for the feared, all-conquering USA army.

Now who else will definitely be taken captive with Ramaphosa to the USA, to be tried under a foreign law?

I think I have heard someone saying “Mbeki…Thabo Mbeki must also be careful because madman Trump might pounce on him?”

But I believe Mbeki won’t be taken away.

This as they will find him giving lectures about Jacob Zuma being an apartheid era “impimpi,” reading yet again outdated books of Philosophy and still thinking that Trump and Putin are enemies while in the process still insisting that foreigners must come into South Africa willy-nilly.

They will pity him, then dismiss him as a dreamer and leave him alone.

The USA army will then fly to Nkandla but before attacking the place someone will tell them that capturing Jacob Zuma would be useless as Zuma does not have any political ideology that he stands for; that all that he wants is to be with his many wives and stay out of jail regarding a plethora of criminal charges he is facing.

Then someone will advise the army to capture South African Communist Party General Secretary Solly Mapaila because he has been very vocal against Trump.

And indeed Mapaila would be captured, and easily so, because his sole bodyguard would instantly bolt out of the room once a revolver is pointed at him and Mapaila.

Someone would mention the names of Bantu Holomisa, Terror Lekota as well as those of members of the Mandela, Biko and Sobukwe families, but this suggestion won’t be entertained at all as capturing them will be a “non-event.”.

Now when mention is made of capturing former temporary president Kgalema Motlanthe this will be met with silence and ignored as other members of the raiding army shall not have heard of Motlanthe before.

The raiders will then go to Limpopo to capture EFF leader Julius Malema, who they will find in the process of performing libations ( prayer to the ancestors) to her late grandmother Sarah.

Now before flying back to the USA with their prisoners in tow, the army will pay a courtesy visit to AfriForum members at some bosberaad in Pretoria and thank them for alerting them to the so-called genocide taking place in South Africa.

They will then be issued with khakhi shorts, shirts and socks and be taught to do the boere dance with braai vleis smoke rising skywards from the many braai stands there.

The AfriForum chaps will then admit that when they started the false rumour they never thought it would culminate in the capture of Ramaphosa, Malema and Mapaila.