I must state upfront that this opinion piece about the imminent demise of the ANC is a parody largely inspired by legendary USA artist Bob Dylan’s 1963 poem/protest song.
In the poem/protest song, Dylan bemoans the death of USA featherweight boxer Davey Moore who met his demise after being knocked out in the 10th round of a boxing match in 1963, with everyone involved from the boxer who knocked him out, fans, the referee and boxing match gamblers denying responsibility for Moore’s death.
Now here we go:
Who killed the ANC?
“Not I,” says Thabo Mbeki as he takes a swig at his whisky while paging through large volumes of philosophy books placed on his table in his study room.
“Getting rid of the Reconstruction and Development Programme (RDP) was in the interests of the ANC and South Africans as a whole, and adopting austerity measures which entailed cutting back government expenditure and not building any houses or infrastructure and not replenishing Eskom power generation capacity after being warned to do so helped us save lots of money as the government,” says Mbeki.
“It is a pity that my successor came and stole all the money that I had saved,” says Mbeki.
“And another thing is, even if you put electric fences at the borders, foreigners will always find a way to come in because South Africa is their country and all foreigners belong here,” he says.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not I,” says Jacob Zuma as he tends to his livestock at his Nkandla homestead while in the process engaging in a conference telephone call with his many wives.
“There is no evidence of State Capture; I am innocent, I never stole anything from the people of South Africa and if the ANC has to die, then don’t blame it on me,” he says.
“I formed the MK Party to save the ANC and not to destroy it,” emphasizes Zuma.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not I,” says President Cyril Ramaphosa as he laments the unsavoury incident whereby millions of rand were stolen from a sofa at his Phala Phala farm.
“That money was put in the sofa by the farm manager and not myself because I don’t run the farm on a day-to-day basis and that money came from a Sudanese businessman Hazim Mustafa who bought cattle at the farm,” explains Ramaphosa.
“And don’t blame me for the ANC losing support, put the blame on State Capture and corrupt government officials,” he says.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not
I,” says Julius Malema as he changes from his red workmen suit and puts on designer T-shirt and trousers.
“The ANC has killed itself by pursuing the interests of white monopoly capital and don’t blame me for being one of the people who supported Jacob Zuma to be ANC president and ultimately that of the country,” says Malema.
“And I still stand by my belief that borders must be open so that foreigners must come and do as they wish in this country,” adds Malema.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not I,” says Paul Mashatile as he lazily outstretches his arms before diving into a swimming pool after enjoying a night’s rest at a penthouse allegedly owned by gangsters in Cape Town.
“Please don’t associate me with Cape Town gangsters or the so-called Alexander Mafia,” says Mashatile hastily.
“And Louis Liebenberg didn’t give the diamond gift to me but he gave it to my wife Humile, and she has since returned it to him,” adds Mashatile.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not I,” says a long-serving member of the ANC who has been to almost every conference of the party since 1994 only to participate in the voting process and has never participated in any policy-making duscussions there.
“Our duty as loyal members of the ANC is to vote for the candidate that is preferred by the dominant faction of the party at any given elective conference, and policy-making duscussions are left to prominent members of the party,” he says.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not us,” says a group of tenderpreneurs in unison as they pack their bags to board a plane to Dubai where they will be spending their ill-gotten wealth.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not I,” says SACP’s Solly Mapaila.
“The ANC has been treating us like an insignificant partner for too long now, hence we are going to contest elections independently as the SACP,” says Mapaila
Who killed the ANC?
“Not I,” says Ace Magashule.
“I have not been found guilty of corruption in the asbestos saga and if the ANC is going to die, then it will die because of the present leadership, not me.” he says.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not us,” says the Gupta brothers, Cat Matlala, Hangwani Maumela and Ma-Mkhize in unison.
“We have managed to manipulate the system to our advantage, so don’t blame us for being smart,” they say.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not I,” says a Ward Councillor as he stashes away wads of cash handed to him by a local tsotsi in exchange of awarding him a tender.
“Although the law doesn’t allow it, in practice I am the one who awards tenders in my ward and the cash that I receive in return is what is due to me for my efforts,” says the Councillor as he in the process receives a message from the tsotsi that a million rand would shortly be delivered at his home in hard cash.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not I,” says a police officer as he gets out of a foreign-owned spaza shop after extorting thousands of rands from the owner therein.
“This is merely a small fee which he pays me to make sure that I protect his shop from acts of vandalism and extortion from criminal elements,” he says.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not I,” says a traffic cop as he puts a R50 note into his pocket after receiving it from a drunk driver in exchange of not arresting him.
“As traffic cops we don’t get paid enough so this is a way we are trying to make ends meet,” he says.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not I,” says a foreigner who came illegally into this country but holds a South African Identity Documents and owns a spaza shop wherein he hires foreigners from Mozambique and Zimbabwe and doesn’t employ local citizens.
“I will be using this ID to vote in the 2026 local government elections,” he says.
Who killed the ANC?
“Not I,” says a judge who has just given bail to a notorious criminal who is a flight risk, this after receiving the proverbial brown envelope from the said criminal.
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